What is all of the world’s beauty worth when you don’t have anyone to share it with?
After visiting Angkor Wat, I just didn’t know what I wanted to do next. I didn’t want to stay in Cambodia for too much longer, neither did I want to leave after such a short time. I also craved some nature. And to be honest, I was already tired of the same backpacker conversations over an over again, I didn’t want to do it any longer. So what next? I wasn’t enthusiastic about ANYTHING, neither Cambodia nor moving on to Ho Chi Minh City. And then I got recommended Kampot, a province and town in the south of Cambodia. She told me that if I wanted nature that was the place to go.
So here I am. In a beautiful eco guesthouse, with a big big garden full of plants and trees and blossoms, cute bungalows, a natural pool and dozens of different kinds of fascinatingly colorful butterflies. Because it’s still not high season yet, there are only two guests: me and another man who just arrived today. I have the dorm completely to myself. And that is exactly what I need right now. Recentering, calming down, thinking, relaxing, writing and being in nature pretty much on my own.
You might have noticed that I’ve been feeling quite lonely recently. And I guess that is quite normal when you go to travel on your own, especially if it’s the first time. I really don’t know if that’s all normal and will pass in one or two weeks but I’m going to share how I feel anyways.
I miss deep conversations, deep relationships. I miss people that I can trust and that I know I can talk to. I miss people I can share all my enthusiasm with, people who appreciate it and get enthusiastic as well. I have the opportunity to see and experience all this beauty, all those fascinating things, but no one I REALLY want to share it with. This is something that has gotten very clear for me on this travel, even more than I was already aware of: I wish for a person I can share my passion and enthusiasm with, that is part of the beauty. Just seeing Angkor was nice and interesting but what I desired was someone to do it together with. And not just a random person I meet at my hostel but someone whom I can dive into the feeling of seeing the temples WITH EACH OTHER, figuratively hand in hand, not plainly side by side and each in their own bubble.
When I booked my plane ticket to South East Asia and prepared my trip, I was expecting to meet loads of like-minded people. People who are into alternative ways of living, who like in-depth conversations, who are open and spiritual. Not quite the reality, at least not where I am now. Before I left, I thought, wow, I will meet all these interesting people, make lots of good friends and be super inspired. I’m actually not inspired at all. Not inspired to see what’s around, not inspired to talk to most people, not inspired to take photographs. I learned, the kind of photographs I want to take at this time, is portraits of people. The deep kind of portrait in which you can read so much about the person portrayed, the photographer and their relationship. Here, I don’t know the people that well to take those kind of portraits, and I’m not interested in getting to know them. When I thought about traveling a couple months ago, I thought it would be exactly the other way around. Simply put: boring people at home, fascinating people somewhere else.
Traveling makes unexpected things happen. And my unexpected things are realizations about my reality. I’m here and I start to value things I had been valuing before, just not nearly as much. I’ve noticed how important good, healthy food is for me in order to be happy and energetic. I’ve discovered how much I need deep human connection to make me feel alive and enthusiastic and full of passion. Filtering liters of tap water by hand every day just to have drinking water, and having to pay $1,50 for water each day after my filter broke, makes me even more grateful for our clean German tap water.
I love learning all that and I don’t regret any choice I’ve made because I realize so many things. But right now, I feel like I’m not in the right place. I don’t know where exactly the right place for me now is, just that it’s not here. And I have a feeling that this place I’m looking for is near the people I love, and that this place does not necessarily have to be a geographical place but might as well be a space of mind, a group of people, healthy food. Here, there are beautiful landscapes to explore, yummy food etc. but that is not what I feel like I need in this period of my life. I feel like discovering human relationships, going deep in whatever sense, and here I have a lot of things to experience, but not in-depth at all.
I am not making a decision now, but realizing that what I have decided a while ago might have been right for me then but does not have to be now. And a tough lesson to learn is this: Changing your plans is not giving up. To stop doing something is not giving up. It is actually the exact opposite.