How can I live my wild power in civilization?
The roaring lioness, the snarling tigress, the howling she-wolf.
There’s this force, this natural, primal, uncontainable rising energy that is longing to find its way out. But how, where? I cannot start screaming in the middle of the street. I would feel tremendously uncomfortable if I actually snarled at someone. I feel restricted by the people around me, put in chains by the rules of etiquette.
The wild is bursting out. I want to scream, roar, groan, howl, laugh, sob, stomp my bare feet on the ground, claw my fingers, flow with the intuitive movements of my body, let lust and pleasure flood my body and soul, dance with my heart open towards the sky, roll in the dirt and cover my naked body with mud.
Instead I feel so limited by the outside world. If I could be in pure nature, with no one around, I could express the old, wise witch, the caring and protective mother, the playful pup and the wild wolf.
When I’m in a safe space, I do scream, I do dance freely and I do laugh with all my heart. But I know all of what is inside me wants to be expressed even more. And how can we find a way to do that?
Is it even possible if we don’t live in unspoilt nature?
What would happen if we actually lived this wild woman or wild man that wants to emerge, and that has always been within us?
How far can we go?
How much can we live this true nature of humanity without separating ourselves from the civil environment we live in?
ARGHHHROOAAAR. It’s wild. It’s pure. It’s unstoppable.
Sometimes we want something REALLY badly. And we wonder why it doesn’t happen. We become desperate. But often we just need to wait and trust, surrender and let some time pass. Then we may see revealed why this thing that seemed so desirable did not manifest.
For me, the desire was to work at a café, one in particular but also in general. This café is super comfy, they have delicious vegan food and by bike it’s just two minutes away. But they didn’t need more service staff, so I didn’t get the job.
Then, maybe two weeks ago, I saw a job advert at another café that was looking for a barista. After a spark of excitement had vanished, I figured that working at just some café wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I wanted to concentrate on photography. It was a key moment for me, because I chose love over fear. The fear of self-employment, being vulnerable to criticism, being seen, and overrating myself. The love for my work, my creative impulses and my passion to work with people on a deeper level.
But I think, had that particular café changed their mind, I would’ve passionately started working there.
I can see now, why that didn’t happen or why it was good that it didn’t happen. I would have rested on what I had achieved, put a lot of my energy into working at the café, when in fact, I am needed somewhere else now. I love working at a café, making coffee, talking to people, helping, being friendly and happy. Doing work where I don’t have to think too much or excessive responsibility. It’s nice and fun.
But what can I really give? Yes, I do have something to give in a café. But right now, there are so many other things to concentrate on giving to this world that seem a lot more meaningful to me.
I engage in the climate movement Extinction Rebellion, where I feel I can serve with my motivation, my positive vibes, my creativity, my environmental awareness, my view the world, and my way of connecting with people.
I do my photography projects and other photo shoots. I feel, that I have a special gift to give to people. I see that my way of working with people isn’t like anyone’s. I know that for me, a photo shoot is more than just taking pictures. It’s a deeper process, that can be deeply inspiring and transformational.
I write about my thoughts and feelings and deep knowing.
I inspire people just by doing what I do, by going my way, by being authentic, by choosing to live my life fully, by giving what I am called to give.
That doesn’t mean I would definitely reject a job offer from that café. I would still enjoy it and I could earn some money on the side. But it’s not a priority anymore and I don’t define my life by it. Because there is SO MUCH that is calling for my attention, support and character.
This experience encourages me to trust even more, to know that everything that wants to be born, will be born. It encourages me to surrender to the force of life, the flow of life and the fire of life.
What is important to me? What is important to other people? What is the most important thing of all? Love, happiness, growth, learning, nature, caring, food. (Oh yes, good food! ;-)) Being healthy. Peace. Freedom.
Yes, freedom is so important. In our world, today and here, we forget to value the freedom we actually have, the freedom to love whoever we want to, to be whoever we want to, to visit other countries, to work in other countries, to choose our career, to be healthy, to eat the food we want to eat and that is good for us, the freedom to dress how we want, to live our life in our own unique way, the freedom to go out on the streets every day, without having to worry about our safety.
So why don’t we LIVE all that? Why don’t we seize all that potential?
We can do ANYTHING. We can quit our job, go traveling, do whatever we want. Not everyone can do that, but SO MANY of us CAN. And we should ask ourselves if WE can, and respond honestly. The answer is usually YES. We can do so much more than what we allow ourselves to do. We are our own obstacle. We limit ourselves. Why do we do that?
And, yes, fucking YES, we can blame that on society and our conditioning, our childhood, all those beliefs that have made their way into our mind and soul. But if WE REALLY WANT TO we can do anything. Seriously.
I’m not saying that I know how to get to achieving what I really desire. But I know that I can. And I know that YOU can and that WE ALL can. It doesn’t matter whether it’s gardening or creating a project, building a community, drawing once a week, dancing or ANYTHING else. We can be big. We can change the world, we can make the world a better place. We’re afraid of being big, we’re afraid of being seen and we’re afraid of putting ourselves out there. We’re afraid of being judged. I am.
But is it really worth it, though? To trade our dreams for not being judged? Or to not even have the courage to desire because we’re too caught up in worrying about what others might think?
I DON’T THINK IT IS.
Change doesn’t just pop out of the ground. Change wants to be longed for, wants to be desired, change wants us to struggle for it.
So if we want something to be different – if we want to live our lives more fully, if we want the ocean to be clean, humans to be peaceful, animals to be respected, nature to be appreciated – we have to…
DARE TO DREAM.
Check out my new VISION PROJECT here.
Endlessly bubbling words in one moment, silence in another. Not typing any word.
The longer I stop writing, the harder it gets. The more perfectionist I get, the more doubts I have, the less I know how to unite single words to a harmonious group.
I’m home, and the five weeks of traveling feel like a weird dream to me now. You wake up, and you wonder, what was that all about? What did you do? You just stumbled through those odd events until you awoke.
When I wrote “The Right Decision” at the beginning of November, I had made up my mind to go back to Germany and already booked my flight. I’d be traveling through Vietnam for 6 weeks and get back on December 12. I was happy with my decision, it felt good to have some time to explore the country. When I got to Mui Ne on November 8, I stayed at a hostel by the beach, surrounded by other backpackers. I wouldn’t have expected to feel weird and out of place in their company after just a single week of living with locals, but I did.
And then I got sick. Tonsillitis. Thankfully, I could stay with a woman I had met in Saigon: Yen, her Belgian husband Pieter and her son Antoine (a very cute, very lively little monkey). I had healthy food (finally lots of greens, vegetables, smoothies and the tastiest honey I had ever tried – fresh jungle honey!), a clean bathroom, a large bed, a kettle to make ginger tea and most of what I needed to take care of myself. But I felt lonely, and homesick and pretty shitty. And at some point, I asked myself, what am I doing here any longer? Nothing is flowing, I never really feel happy, I’m not enthusiastic. The thought of returning to Europe earlier began taking shape. But I wasn’t sure if I was feeling that way due to tonsillitis or because the tonsillitis just made obvious what was already there. Some talking to my friends and my mum helped me settle for No. 2 and I did the craziest thing I had done in a while. I rebooked my flight so I would leave Asia just a couple days after. I felt as alive as I hadn’t in quite a long time.
I realized that for a long time I had just been waiting. Waiting to meet someone I would really connect with, waiting for the next place to be very beautiful, waiting for my expectations to turn into reality. But most of all, waiting to return back home and see all the people I love. I remembered the blog post I wrote before I left, “Waiting for the Here and Now”. It’s about how much time we actually spend waiting for something and how I don’t want to do that. Traveling on my own made me learn how tough it can be to implement that. Another thing I learned, though, is that refusing to wait and instead actually enjoying the moment is not always just about changing your attitude. It is in many cases, but sometimes it also means to change your environment. You can’t always do that, that’s when you can only alter your thinking about the situation you’re in, but when you can and you feel like that’s what you need to do in order to end the waiting, that’s what needs to be done.