Wild

Wild

How can I live my wild power in civilization?

The roaring lioness, the snarling tigress, the howling she-wolf.

There’s this force, this natural, primal, uncontainable rising energy that is longing to find its way out. But how, where? I cannot start screaming in the middle of the street. I would feel tremendously uncomfortable if I actually snarled at someone. I feel restricted by the people around me, put in chains by the rules of etiquette.

The wild is bursting out. I want to scream, roar, groan, howl, laugh, sob, stomp my bare feet on the ground, claw my fingers, flow with the intuitive movements of my body, let lust and pleasure flood my body and soul, dance with my heart open towards the sky, roll in the dirt and cover my naked body with mud.
Instead I feel so limited by the outside world. If I could be in pure nature, with no one around, I could express the old, wise witch, the caring and protective mother, the playful pup and the wild wolf.

When I’m in a safe space, I do scream, I do dance freely and I do laugh with all my heart. But I know all of what is inside me wants to be expressed even more. And how can we find a way to do that?
Is it even possible if we don’t live in unspoilt nature?
What would happen if we actually lived this wild woman or wild man that wants to emerge, and that has always been within us?
How far can we go?
How much can we live this true nature of humanity without separating ourselves from the civil environment we live in?

ARGHHHROOAAAR. It’s wild. It’s pure. It’s unstoppable.

The deeper I trust, the higher I will fly

The deeper I trust, the higher I will fly

Sometimes we want something REALLY badly. And we wonder why it doesn’t happen. We become desperate. But often we just need to wait and trust, surrender and let some time pass. Then we may see revealed why this thing that seemed so desirable did not manifest.

For me, the desire was to work at a café, one in particular but also in general. This café is super comfy, they have delicious vegan food and by bike it’s just two minutes away. But they didn’t need more service staff, so I didn’t get the job.
Then, maybe two weeks ago, I saw a job advert at another café that was looking for a barista. After a spark of excitement had vanished, I figured that working at just some café wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I wanted to concentrate on photography. It was a key moment for me, because I chose love over fear. The fear of self-employment, being vulnerable to criticism, being seen, and overrating myself. The love for my work, my creative impulses and my passion to work with people on a deeper level.
But I think, had that particular café changed their mind, I would’ve passionately started working there.

I can see now, why that didn’t happen or why it was good that it didn’t happen. I would have rested on what I had achieved, put a lot of my energy into working at the café, when in fact, I am needed somewhere else now. I love working at a café, making coffee, talking to people, helping, being friendly and happy. Doing work where I don’t have to think too much or excessive responsibility. It’s nice and fun.

But what can I really give? Yes, I do have something to give in a café. But right now, there are so many other things to concentrate on giving to this world that seem a lot more meaningful to me.
I engage in the climate movement Extinction Rebellion, where I feel I can serve with my motivation, my positive vibes, my creativity, my environmental awareness, my view the world, and my way of connecting with people.
I do my photography projects and other photo shoots. I feel, that I have a special gift to give to people. I see that my way of working with people isn’t like anyone’s. I know that for me, a photo shoot is more than just taking pictures. It’s a deeper process, that can be deeply inspiring and transformational.
I write about my thoughts and feelings and deep knowing.
I inspire people just by doing what I do, by going my way, by being authentic, by choosing to live my life fully, by giving what I am called to give.

That doesn’t mean I would definitely reject a job offer from that café. I would still enjoy it and I could earn some money on the side. But it’s not a priority anymore and I don’t define my life by it. Because there is SO MUCH that is calling for my attention, support and character.

This experience encourages me to trust even more, to know that everything that wants to be born, will be born. It encourages me to surrender to the force of life, the flow of life and the fire of life.

No Compromises with My Gut Feeling

Do you know this sensation of something not feeling 100% right? But reason tells you that you should feel like it is? So you say Yes, and you tell yourself over and over again, that you really do feel like saying Yes. Because you don’t know why you don’t feel like Yes. You believe you need to legitimize a No, but you can’t – so you just say Yes.

I know that. There’s this quiet little voice whispering „No, No, No“ or „Are your sure?“ while my conditioning, my beliefs and my logic are trying to convince it to switch to Yes. The silent whisper is my gut feeling, my intuition, my sense of authenticity and honesty, my true and deep self. And I am learning to listen to that silent whisper.

Way too often we make decisions that deny this part of ourselves. Because we live in a culture where everything needs proof, validation and a logical reason.

Today, I made a choice to stay true to what my gut feeling was telling me. I chose to speak my truth no matter the reaction. I chose to „change my mind“ even though I had agreed to do something. From the beginning on, agreeing didn’t feel right. I felt that it wasn’t my full truth to say Yes but I made a compromise because I thought I needed to conform, I thought it would be worth it. I degraded the feeling of No that I had and tried to push myself into a 100%-Yes, which – of course – didn’t work.

But I said No, finally.
It’s never too late. And next time, maybe, I will listen to the little whisper earlier because it creates much less conflict, effort and disappointment.

Self-Love and Love for Others – How are they related?

When I feel true love for myself, the love I radiate is endless.

We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. What does that mean, actually? Is it true? And how can we love ourselves with all our heart?

Where we have to start is deep within us. So deep inside, that it get’s a little uncomfortable to move around. Twisty tunnels, a lot of darkness, some slimy mud here and there. We might slip at some point, fall, or get lost. But let’s take a torch light to shed some light onto the not so beautiful corridors inside us. Because only when we see the dirt and the slime and all those uncomfortable, ugly things we hate to look at, we can clean up the mess.

A lot of those mud patches, stinky smudges and mold stains are the negative beliefs that we’ve been carrying for way too long already.
They lie deep inside those dark corridors, never looked at but always influencing us. If you’re familiar with the topic of beliefs, you’ll probably come up with tons of examples of harmful beliefs. For those who aren’t, here you go: „I’m not (good) enough“, „I’m not creative“, „I’m not important“, „I’m not lovable“, „There’s not enough for everyone“, „I’m alone“ …the list can go on forever.
To get to loving ourselves and others we ought to look at them, no matter how disgusting and ugly they are.

A belief influences the way we unconsciously think about ourselves. When we have a detrimental belief about who we are, we think less of ourselves, we dislike a part of who we are – or who we believe we are.

Picture a woman who believes she’s not good enough. That woman will not show herself fully as she is, will not ask for help or guidance, will not dare to give what she can give to the world, will feel like she’s worth less than others. And she will always feel like she’s struggling for something.
She’ll always feel like she has to be better, has to do more, has to be more of something for others to love and accept her. Can this woman really love herself when she believes that she isn’t good enough the way she is?
You can’t whole-heartedly love someone who you think is not worthy enough to be in this world, is not good enough at this or that, is just not enough in general. And that is the case for us loving someone else but also for us loving ourselves.

This woman can’t love herself, because she believes she’s not good enough.
That makes her constantly compare herself to others, convince her that their life is so much better than her’s, they’re so much better and more successful than she is. She will feel jealous, idealize them and crave a life that is not her’s.
Can she love these people with all her heart? Can she LOVE them, feeling less worth, envying them? No, she cannot. Because when she’s not accepting and loving all the parts of herself, how can she do that with someone else? And how can she be 100% happy for and with those people when she wants exactly that happiness for herself?

Love is not a scarce good, there’s not a fixed amount of it to divide. I don’t love one friend less when I start to love another more. It’s the same for ourselves. It’s a fallacy to believe that when I start loving myself more, I’ll turn into a narcissist and won’t care for others anymore. It’s the OPPOSITE, and that is very important to understand. When I love myself more, there will naturally be more love for others. It’s inevitable.

What I have experienced – and it’s incredibly beautiful every single time that I feel it – is that in moments, where I am fully okay with who I am, I feel so much love for others. Whether that is my partner, my friends or my family. If I can let myself be who I am, I can let others be who they are.
If I give love to myself, I can allow others to take care of themselves AND I can lovingly care for them too. If I grant myself the freedom that I want and need and if I give myself the permission to decide for my own life, I can let others do the same. And that is love.
When I feel love for myself and my life, it just multiplies and spreads in my heart. It bursts out, and I can’t help but share it.
It feels so beautiful and full of light.

But how do I let go of limiting beliefs that keep me from fully loving myself, and how do I find them in the first place?
A good friend recently recommended the work of Teal Swan to me, a self-developmental and spiritual teacher. She has published two very interesting videos on how to find a core belief – a belief that lies very deep within us and highly affects the way we live our life -, and how to change that belief. I encourage you to watch them and try her technique, it has been very transformational for me already, although I’m still integrating it.

Let us learn to love ourselves, love the people around us, love every human being on earth and every other living being. Let us learn to love this planet, this life, this miracle of beauty. Every moment of our lives.
Let us choose love over fear.

Dare to Dream!

What is important to me? What is important to other people? What is the most important thing of all? Love, happiness, growth, learning, nature, caring, food. (Oh yes, good food! ;-)) Being healthy. Peace. Freedom.

Yes, freedom is so important. In our world, today and here, we forget to value the freedom we actually have, the freedom to love whoever we want to, to be whoever we want to, to visit other countries, to work in other countries, to choose our career, to be healthy, to eat the food we want to eat and that is good for us, the freedom to dress how we want, to live our life in our own unique way, the freedom to go out on the streets every day, without having to worry about our safety.

So why don’t we LIVE all that? Why don’t we seize all that potential?

We can do ANYTHING. We can quit our job, go traveling, do whatever we want. Not everyone can do that, but SO MANY of us CAN. And we should ask ourselves if WE can, and respond honestly. The answer is usually YES. We can do so much more than what we allow ourselves to do. We are our own obstacle. We limit ourselves. Why do we do that?

And, yes, fucking YES, we can blame that on society and our conditioning, our childhood, all those beliefs that have made their way into our mind and soul. But if WE REALLY WANT TO we can do anything. Seriously.

I’m not saying that I know how to get to achieving what I really desire. But I know that I can. And I know that YOU can and that WE ALL can. It doesn’t matter whether it’s gardening or creating a project, building a community, drawing once a week, dancing or ANYTHING else. We can be big. We can change the world, we can make the world a better place. We’re afraid of being big, we’re afraid of being seen and we’re afraid of putting ourselves out there. We’re afraid of being judged. I am.

But is it really worth it, though? To trade our dreams for not being judged? Or to not even have the courage to desire because we’re too caught up in worrying about what others might think?

I DON’T THINK IT IS.

Change doesn’t just pop out of the ground. Change wants to be longed for, wants to be desired, change wants us to struggle for it.

So if we want something to be different – if we want to live our lives more fully, if we want the ocean to be clean, humans to be peaceful, animals to be respected, nature to be appreciated – we have to…

DARE TO DREAM.

 

Check out my new VISION PROJECT here.

No more Waiting

No more Waiting

Endlessly bubbling words in one moment, silence in another. Not typing any word.

The longer I stop writing, the harder it gets. The more perfectionist I get, the more doubts I have, the less I know how to unite single words to a harmonious group.

I’m home, and the five weeks of traveling feel like a weird dream to me now. You wake up, and you wonder, what was that all about? What did you do? You just stumbled through those odd events until you awoke.

When I wrote “The Right Decision” at the beginning of November, I had made up my mind to go back to Germany and already booked my flight. I’d be traveling through Vietnam for 6 weeks and get back on December 12. I was happy with my decision, it felt good to have some time to explore the country. When I got to Mui Ne on November 8, I stayed at a hostel by the beach, surrounded by other backpackers. I wouldn’t have expected to feel weird and out of place in their company after just a single week of living with locals, but I did.

And then I got sick. Tonsillitis. Thankfully, I could stay with a woman I had met in Saigon: Yen, her Belgian husband Pieter and her son Antoine (a very cute, very lively little monkey). I had healthy food (finally lots of greens, vegetables, smoothies and the tastiest honey I had ever tried – fresh jungle honey!), a clean bathroom, a large bed, a kettle to make ginger tea and most of what I needed to take care of myself. But I felt lonely, and homesick and pretty shitty. And at some point, I asked myself, what am I doing here any longer? Nothing is flowing, I never really feel happy, I’m not enthusiastic. The thought of returning to Europe earlier began taking shape. But I wasn’t sure if I was feeling that way due to tonsillitis or because the tonsillitis just made obvious what was already there. Some talking to my friends and my mum helped me settle for No. 2 and I did the craziest thing I had done in a while. I rebooked my flight so I would leave Asia just a couple days after. I felt as alive as I hadn’t in quite a long time.

I realized that for a long time I had just been waiting. Waiting to meet someone I would really connect with, waiting for the next place to be very beautiful, waiting for my expectations to turn into reality. But most of all, waiting to return back home and see all the people I love. I remembered the blog post I wrote before I left, “Waiting for the Here and Now”. It’s about how much time we actually spend waiting for something and how I don’t want to do that. Traveling on my own made me learn how tough it can be to implement that. Another thing I learned, though, is that refusing to wait and instead actually enjoying the moment is not always just about changing your attitude. It is in many cases, but sometimes it also means to change your environment. You can’t always do that, that’s when you can only alter your thinking about the situation you’re in, but when you can and you feel like that’s what you need to do in order to end the waiting, that’s what needs to be done.