Endlessly bubbling words in one moment, silence in another. Not typing any word.
The longer I stop writing, the harder it gets. The more perfectionist I get, the more doubts I have, the less I know how to unite single words to a harmonious group.
I’m home, and the five weeks of traveling feel like a weird dream to me now. You wake up, and you wonder, what was that all about? What did you do? You just stumbled through those odd events until you awoke.
When I wrote “The Right Decision” at the beginning of November, I had made up my mind to go back to Germany and already booked my flight. I’d be traveling through Vietnam for 6 weeks and get back on December 12. I was happy with my decision, it felt good to have some time to explore the country. When I got to Mui Ne on November 8, I stayed at a hostel by the beach, surrounded by other backpackers. I wouldn’t have expected to feel weird and out of place in their company after just a single week of living with locals, but I did.
And then I got sick. Tonsillitis. Thankfully, I could stay with a woman I had met in Saigon: Yen, her Belgian husband Pieter and her son Antoine (a very cute, very lively little monkey). I had healthy food (finally lots of greens, vegetables, smoothies and the tastiest honey I had ever tried – fresh jungle honey!), a clean bathroom, a large bed, a kettle to make ginger tea and most of what I needed to take care of myself. But I felt lonely, and homesick and pretty shitty. And at some point, I asked myself, what am I doing here any longer? Nothing is flowing, I never really feel happy, I’m not enthusiastic. The thought of returning to Europe earlier began taking shape. But I wasn’t sure if I was feeling that way due to tonsillitis or because the tonsillitis just made obvious what was already there. Some talking to my friends and my mum helped me settle for No. 2 and I did the craziest thing I had done in a while. I rebooked my flight so I would leave Asia just a couple days after. I felt as alive as I hadn’t in quite a long time.
I realized that for a long time I had just been waiting. Waiting to meet someone I would really connect with, waiting for the next place to be very beautiful, waiting for my expectations to turn into reality. But most of all, waiting to return back home and see all the people I love. I remembered the blog post I wrote before I left, “Waiting for the Here and Now”. It’s about how much time we actually spend waiting for something and how I don’t want to do that. Traveling on my own made me learn how tough it can be to implement that. Another thing I learned, though, is that refusing to wait and instead actually enjoying the moment is not always just about changing your attitude. It is in many cases, but sometimes it also means to change your environment. You can’t always do that, that’s when you can only alter your thinking about the situation you’re in, but when you can and you feel like that’s what you need to do in order to end the waiting, that’s what needs to be done.
“The Only Truth Is the Ever-New Impermanent Nature.”, a quote that accompanied me the past week.
Now it’s your turn to guess where I’ve spent my last week…
I was staying at Thabarwa Nature Center in Ho Chi Minh City, a Vipassana meditation center. I had found the place on Workaway, like the school I volunteered at in Cambodia. For those who don’t know, Workaway is a platform to find a place to work and receive food, accommodation and local culture in exchange. And this time, it was a total joy.
I tought English, but it wasn’t at all like last time. I only tought 1-2 hours a day, was free to choose how I wanted to teach my class, the students were all adults (mostly middle-aged or older), and at the beginning of my week I just had a single student. The number gradually rose and yesterday it was four. Teaching those people was the best evidence that so often age doesn’t matter – just in case I had still been in doubt. After teaching a 60-year-old woman “Itsy Bitsy Spider” while drawing little images to explain the lyrics there’s no way of questioning it.
And the people living in the center were so caring, it was such a pleasure to be with them. Even though I didn’t understand their words when they were talking at the kitchen table, sometimes I could guess what the conversation was about. For example when Binh’s daughter didn’t want to eat the greens, trying very hard to find excuses… 😉 Binh was the man I contacted on Workaway and he was very supportive all the time. Although I felt lonely in some moments, this was a beautiful place to be in. After every single meal that wasn’t just fruit for breakfast, I was so damn full. The food was too delicious. In the first couple of days I learned to enjoy dragon fruits which I had thought I didn’t like. Weirdly, big ones are sweeter than small ones… Here – not imported and picked when still unripe – they’re really yummy. And their color is amazing!
I also learned more about Vipassana meditation, a Buddhist meditation that is not tied to religion, though. The meditation is about awareness and mindfulness. It’s about understanding the nature of things, mostly of our thoughts and feelings. Teachers of Vipassana meditation believe that every thought and every feeling is impermanent; they come and go. And when we sit down to meditate we close our physical eyes and open our inner eye instead. We watch our mind, we observe what we think and how we feel. We don’t reject any of our thoughts and feelings, neither do we attach to them. The word Theravada monks use to describe that state of mind is Equanimity. But the practice doesn’t end as soon as you open your eyes and get up. You practice mindfulness in every moment. Alone or when you’re with others. Quiet or in conversation. Still or in movement. Sitting, lying, standing.
It was very interesting to learn about this kind of meditation, also because meditation is such a fuzzy word. People talk about meditation, but everone has their own idea or imaginations about it, and there are so many different ways to practice it. When someone says he is meditating every day, you have no idea what that person is actually doing.
And I agree with most of the aspects that Vipassana (or Theravada) meditation is about. I resonate with the idea of neither attaching nor rejecting your feelings. Too often and too easily we try to hold on to a feeling we label as nice and beautiful – and try to suppress our so-called negative emotions. We want to feel happiness and joy, but we hate feeling impatient or sad or lazy. I think it’s a very healthy – and, if that word is appropriate, effective – way to deal with the ocean of our mind. Because it is, really, an ocean. Our emotions are like waves, and every feeling will pass at some point. Trying not to feel it or push it away won’t help and maybe even cause it to linger longer. I have experienced it; when you just observe your feeling with an imaginary internal camera, as Binh’s wife explained to me – meaning, you allow yourself to feel, and just watch what’s happening to your emotion, your body, your mind – the feeling will pass. “The only truth is the ever-new impermanent nature.”
Where do I start? How do I sort my thoughts? What do I want to tell you and what do I want to keep to myself? How can I say this or that, how do I explain myself?
All these thoughts and a couple more have been keeping me from writing another article. I was confused, and I still am about a few things. I didn’t really want to write for all of you to read it – I’d have to know how to express things, I’d have to have things sorted in my mind, I’d have to figure out which thoughts to share and how to put them in an order. I wasn’t ready for that. I don’t know if I am now, but I want to try. The longer I wait, the messier it gets.
My mind has been spiraling around whether I want to go back home or not. When should I decide? Plane tickets get more expensive… I wanted to make a decision, yet I wasn’t sure about what to decide. I knew I had to wait until I was absolutely sure. Not knowing when that time would come, freaked me out. But at the same time I knew: Letting go of desperately wanting to make a decision was the only way.
I was sure I wanted to go home, the next moment I wasn’t. Then I was again but didn’t know when to go back. I was so afraid to make the wrong decision. How often are we afraid to make the wrong decision? Too often. But we cannot know what’s going to be the “right” decision. We won’t know the outcome of a choice until we make it. I tried my best to let go of “the right decision”, but still, I was afraid. Afraid of going back home, what would I do there? I wouldn’t know what to do with my time, my life, I’d be lost, I thought. But the thought of keeping on traveling felt terribly uncomfortable, made me uneasy. Just carrying on without a goal, without knowing anything… Ugh.
The only possible way to make a decision (for me, at least) is to rely on how I feel NOW. Because I can’t predict the future, I cannot know how I will feel tomorrow. And most of all, I don’t want my fears to drive my actions. I know that I’m afraid of booking my flight back home, I know that I’m afraid of what I’ll do, I know that I’m afraid that nothing will be as I expect it to be. But I don’t have to let those fears lead me.
But still… There are doubts, and worries, fears, imaginations of the future… What if I actually start to enjoy myself and don’t want to go back?
But how can I know? I can’t.
And then something happened. On my last night in Cambodia, I was about to go to bed, maybe listen to an audio book or write a bit. I had to get up early the next morning, after all, to get on the Bus to Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon). But that was just my plan, not my life’s. I met two women in my dorm, we chatted for a while and then we went to the night market and had great fun! (I might tell you more about it at some point, because it was just hilarious.) It was a shame we had to part the next day, but it felt so good to really be happy. Then, one day after I arrived in Saigon, a Vietnamese woman took me with her for the afternoon. We went to a coffee fair, the city center, had some yummy food and I saw a lot of different areas in Saigon. I had an amazing day, that must have been the first day where I was happy for pretty much the whole day. It felt so, so good.
But I didn’t feel like I wanted to travel on for ages. It was great, I was enjoying everything that happened that day – even the rather uncomfortable moments of feeling lonely. And that moment, I knew that this was it. If I still want to be home in a moment of plain happiness and joy here in Vietnam, then going home has to be the right decision. Meaning, the right decision for NOW. Because if I wait to make a decision for too long, I might as well wait forever. No doubt, it’s good to wait until you’re clear about a choice. But at some point you just have to jump. Not knowing what’s on the ground or what you will come across during your fall. Just jump because that’s what you feel like you deeply want and need – NOW.