The roaring lioness, the snarling tigress, the howling she-wolf.
There’s this force, this natural, primal, uncontainable rising energy that is longing to find its way out. But how, where? I cannot start screaming in the middle of the street. I would feel tremendously uncomfortable if I actually snarled at someone. I feel restricted by the people around me, put in chains by the rules of etiquette.
The wild is bursting out. I want to scream, roar, groan, howl, laugh, sob, stomp my bare feet on the ground, claw my fingers, flow with the intuitive movements of my body, let lust and pleasure flood my body and soul, dance with my heart open towards the sky, roll in the dirt and cover my naked body with mud.
Instead I feel so limited by the outside world. If I could be in pure nature, with no one around, I could express the old, wise witch, the caring and protective mother, the playful pup and the wild wolf.
When I’m in a safe space, I do scream, I do dance freely and I do laugh with all my heart. But I know all of what is inside me wants to be expressed even more. And how can we find a way to do that? Is it even possible if we don’t live in unspoilt nature? What would happen if we actually lived this wild woman or wild man that wants to emerge, and that has always been within us? How far can we go? How much can we live this true nature of humanity without separating ourselves from the civil environment we live in?
Sometimes we want something REALLY badly. And we wonder why it doesn’t happen. We become desperate. But often we just need to wait and trust, surrender and let some time pass. Then we may see revealed why this thing that seemed so desirable did not manifest.
For me, the desire was to work at a café, one in particular but also in general. This café is super comfy, they have delicious vegan food and by bike it’s just two minutes away. But they didn’t need more service staff, so I didn’t get the job. Then, maybe two weeks ago, I saw a job advert at another café that was looking for a barista. After a spark of excitement had vanished, I figured that working at just some café wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I wanted to concentrate on photography. It was a key moment for me, because I chose love over fear. The fear of self-employment, being vulnerable to criticism, being seen, and overrating myself. The love for my work, my creative impulses and my passion to work with people on a deeper level. But I think, had that particular café changed their mind, I would’ve passionately started working there.
I can see now, why that didn’t happen or why it was good that it didn’t happen. I would have rested on what I had achieved, put a lot of my energy into working at the café, when in fact, I am needed somewhere else now. I love working at a café, making coffee, talking to people, helping, being friendly and happy. Doing work where I don’t have to think too much or excessive responsibility. It’s nice and fun.
But what can I really give? Yes, I do have something to give in a café. But right now, there are so many other things to concentrate on giving to this world that seem a lot more meaningful to me. I engage in the climate movement Extinction Rebellion, where I feel I can serve with my motivation, my positive vibes, my creativity, my environmental awareness, my view the world, and my way of connecting with people. I do my photography projects and other photo shoots. I feel, that I have a special gift to give to people. I see that my way of working with people isn’t like anyone’s. I know that for me, a photo shoot is more than just taking pictures. It’s a deeper process, that can be deeply inspiring and transformational. I write about my thoughts and feelings and deep knowing. I inspire people just by doing what I do, by going my way, by being authentic, by choosing to live my life fully, by giving what I am called to give.
That doesn’t mean I would definitely reject a job offer from that café. I would still enjoy it and I could earn some money on the side. But it’s not a priority anymore and I don’t define my life by it. Because there is SO MUCH that is calling for my attention, support and character.
This experience encourages me to trust even more, to know that everything that wants to be born, will be born. It encourages me to surrender to the force of life, the flow of life and the fire of life.
I noticed, a huge amount of time in our lives, we just spend waiting. Sure, we don’t just sit somewhere and do nothing, waiting for this one thing we long for to happen. That might even be better because we’d actually realize how often we’re only filling time or distracting ourselves.
Whether it’s the bus, a journey, a friend visiting, the sequel a movie, summer, school to be over, an uncomfortable situation to pass, our health, … We’re nearly always waiting for something. I’m asking myself – and you – isn’t that stupid? Because the great time that seems worth longing for, might not even occur. Or turn out to be totally different.
Ads, Books, songs, wise people, … they all tell us to live in the moment, about enjoying the Here and Now. How it makes you happy. I don’t know about you, but I think it totally makes sense. We should enjoy the moment we’re living in RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW. Because every moment is unique (like this very moment you’re reading this, so thank you for your time) and you cannot get them back.
But you know all this, right? And living in the moment can be pretty easy when we’re happy or having fun with someone we love. But the tough challenge is living in the moment when we’re actually wishing to fast forward to a certain day or time. We think, „Oh yeah, on Friday/ in October/ next year/ … I’m gonna totally live in the moment, because then [fill in the blank].“
And that’s what doesn’t make sense. Our excuses. How can you be living in the Here and Now when most of the time you’re just waiting to do so?
The fact that living in the moment is good for ourselves isn’t my brillant new idea that no one’s ever had before. Nevertheless, I often forget that relishing – or just simply accepting – the present moment is not about waiting. Waiting is such a damn waste of time.
Ask yourself: How much time have I spent waiting in my life? And was it ever worthwhile to distract yourself while you were desperately awaiting an event? The answer is frightening.
So, what if we stop seeing our precious time as „waiting for something“ and instead treat it like something we don’t want to miss – no matter what amazing things we might experience tomorrow or next year?
When people realize they’ll soon be dead, their priorities in life change. We’ve seen that in tons of movies. Suddenly, they want to do all the things they’ve been wishing to do their whole life. And they realize which people they really want to spend time with.
The latter is what’s happening to me right now. I’m not dying, thankfully, but dying is leaving and leaving’s what I’m doing. On October 11, 2018, I will head off to South East Asia – first destination: Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
And the less time I have in my home country, Germany, the clearer I get about who is really important to me. That’s my family and my closest friends, of course.
I don’t know what it’s like for you, who’s reading my words right now, but I usually meet with a lot of people. People it’s nice hanging out with, but people who you know won’t stay in your life for long. Or people who you don’t have
a deep connection with. Surely, there’s nothing wrong with that. But there’s something about setting priorities. It feels like tidying up your room, clear and refreshing. It’s interesting to actually notice who you really want to give your precious time to.
I’m happy not to be gone forever, but I appreciate experiencing this weird yet wonderful perk of leaving.
