How can I live my wild power in civilization?
The roaring lioness, the snarling tigress, the howling she-wolf.
There’s this force, this natural, primal, uncontainable rising energy that is longing to find its way out. But how, where? I cannot start screaming in the middle of the street. I would feel tremendously uncomfortable if I actually snarled at someone. I feel restricted by the people around me, put in chains by the rules of etiquette.
The wild is bursting out. I want to scream, roar, groan, howl, laugh, sob, stomp my bare feet on the ground, claw my fingers, flow with the intuitive movements of my body, let lust and pleasure flood my body and soul, dance with my heart open towards the sky, roll in the dirt and cover my naked body with mud.
Instead I feel so limited by the outside world. If I could be in pure nature, with no one around, I could express the old, wise witch, the caring and protective mother, the playful pup and the wild wolf.
When I’m in a safe space, I do scream, I do dance freely and I do laugh with all my heart. But I know all of what is inside me wants to be expressed even more. And how can we find a way to do that?
Is it even possible if we don’t live in unspoilt nature?
What would happen if we actually lived this wild woman or wild man that wants to emerge, and that has always been within us?
How far can we go?
How much can we live this true nature of humanity without separating ourselves from the civil environment we live in?
ARGHHHROOAAAR. It’s wild. It’s pure. It’s unstoppable.
Sometimes we want something REALLY badly. And we wonder why it doesn’t happen. We become desperate. But often we just need to wait and trust, surrender and let some time pass. Then we may see revealed why this thing that seemed so desirable did not manifest.
For me, the desire was to work at a café, one in particular but also in general. This café is super comfy, they have delicious vegan food and by bike it’s just two minutes away. But they didn’t need more service staff, so I didn’t get the job.
Then, maybe two weeks ago, I saw a job advert at another café that was looking for a barista. After a spark of excitement had vanished, I figured that working at just some café wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I wanted to concentrate on photography. It was a key moment for me, because I chose love over fear. The fear of self-employment, being vulnerable to criticism, being seen, and overrating myself. The love for my work, my creative impulses and my passion to work with people on a deeper level.
But I think, had that particular café changed their mind, I would’ve passionately started working there.
I can see now, why that didn’t happen or why it was good that it didn’t happen. I would have rested on what I had achieved, put a lot of my energy into working at the café, when in fact, I am needed somewhere else now. I love working at a café, making coffee, talking to people, helping, being friendly and happy. Doing work where I don’t have to think too much or excessive responsibility. It’s nice and fun.
But what can I really give? Yes, I do have something to give in a café. But right now, there are so many other things to concentrate on giving to this world that seem a lot more meaningful to me.
I engage in the climate movement Extinction Rebellion, where I feel I can serve with my motivation, my positive vibes, my creativity, my environmental awareness, my view the world, and my way of connecting with people.
I do my photography projects and other photo shoots. I feel, that I have a special gift to give to people. I see that my way of working with people isn’t like anyone’s. I know that for me, a photo shoot is more than just taking pictures. It’s a deeper process, that can be deeply inspiring and transformational.
I write about my thoughts and feelings and deep knowing.
I inspire people just by doing what I do, by going my way, by being authentic, by choosing to live my life fully, by giving what I am called to give.
That doesn’t mean I would definitely reject a job offer from that café. I would still enjoy it and I could earn some money on the side. But it’s not a priority anymore and I don’t define my life by it. Because there is SO MUCH that is calling for my attention, support and character.
This experience encourages me to trust even more, to know that everything that wants to be born, will be born. It encourages me to surrender to the force of life, the flow of life and the fire of life.
Do you know this sensation of something not feeling 100% right? But reason tells you that you should feel like it is? So you say Yes, and you tell yourself over and over again, that you really do feel like saying Yes. Because you don’t know why you don’t feel like Yes. You believe you need to legitimize a No, but you can’t – so you just say Yes.
I know that. There’s this quiet little voice whispering „No, No, No“ or „Are your sure?“ while my conditioning, my beliefs and my logic are trying to convince it to switch to Yes. The silent whisper is my gut feeling, my intuition, my sense of authenticity and honesty, my true and deep self. And I am learning to listen to that silent whisper.
Way too often we make decisions that deny this part of ourselves. Because we live in a culture where everything needs proof, validation and a logical reason.
Today, I made a choice to stay true to what my gut feeling was telling me. I chose to speak my truth no matter the reaction. I chose to „change my mind“ even though I had agreed to do something. From the beginning on, agreeing didn’t feel right. I felt that it wasn’t my full truth to say Yes but I made a compromise because I thought I needed to conform, I thought it would be worth it. I degraded the feeling of No that I had and tried to push myself into a 100%-Yes, which – of course – didn’t work.
But I said No, finally.
It’s never too late. And next time, maybe, I will listen to the little whisper earlier because it creates much less conflict, effort and disappointment.